Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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