I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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