drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
