Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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