Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
