im holly from the hills drunk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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