i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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