Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
