If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
