His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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