I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
