Screwed.edu
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
