i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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