I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
