I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
