The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
