Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
