woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
