Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
