i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
