Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
