I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
