I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
