I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
do herpes really smell.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
