Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
