my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
