After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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