I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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