ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
