he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
