I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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