dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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