Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
