it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
