my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and you said cock pushups were impossible
it was like his penis was on wheels.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
