Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
