she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
