Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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