Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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