I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
