just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
