Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
