Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
