woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
