and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
