We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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