i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
