yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
