all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
