What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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