Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
His nipple licking is glorious
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