did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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